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Motherhood ain't all it’s cracked up to be

Martha E. Menendez
Martha E. Menendez
Opinion
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The birthrate is down, I hear. From what I’m reading, this bit of news seems to have caught some people by surprise. Really? Because, while I can’t speak to fatherhood, motherhood kind of sucks and I think everybody secretly knows it. Before people go clutching their pearls and praying for my kid’s childhood, I don’t say or mean this as any kind of reflection of the love one has for their children or their absolute commitment to their well-being. It’s just a simple fact: being a mother in this country, in this moment, actually isn’t a very good proposition.

First of all, let’s acknowledge that there are, and always have been, many, many women (and men) who simply don’t want to have kids. For many, many women (and men) it isn’t a phase, they won’t outgrow it and “come to their senses,” they aren’t selfish, and they don’t (necessarily) dislike children. Have we ever considered that maybe for some people, the idea of parenting children just isn’t that interesting? And have we further considered that maybe that’s ok and perhaps even, understandable? Raising kids requires sacrificing a lot of personal freedom and we should normalize not wanting to make that sacrifice. There is a literal world of experiences just waiting to be had and choosing to have children is but one of them. That choice should hold no moral weight one way or the other. To quote the goddess Jill Scott, everything ain’t for everybody. No reason that it should be controversial.

Who we should worry about, though, are those crazies who do still dream of wiping snotty noses in exchange for morning cuddles; the folks who are willing to make the sacrifices of their time, money, and bodies to bring children into the world, children that the economy apparently desperately needs. Article after handwringing article describes the declining birthrate as unsustainable in large part because having less young people cover the gap for all the retiring old people, leaves an unfillable dent in the labor market. Which is just the message young people need today, isn’t it? Young people, acutely aware of the flaws and dangers of capitalism, are hardly going to be convinced to procreate with a message that we’re running out of cogs and we need them to make us some new ones. If anything, this nightmare vision will sooner drive them to birth control than to parenthood.

Of course, that still leaves a lot of folks who aren’t particularly bothered by the idea that we are born to work. And they still presumably want to have babies. What’s stopping them? Well, for starters, it might be the crippling student loan debt that many will carry for most, if not all, of their adult life.  The average individual borrower in the U.S. owes almost $40,000 and collectively we owe over $1.5 trillion. Twenty years ago, the average student debt was a quarter of that and many people didn’t even have to borrow; tuition was such that one could plausibly pay their own way through school. Now, however, with tuition almost doubled, wages stagnant, and the cost of living steadily and predictably increasing, few non-independently-wealthy people can even dream of getting a college degree without the need for financial assistance of some sort. So people leave college with mountains of debt and go into jobs that don’t even pay enough to cover rent on a one-bedroom apartment. How are they to afford the care and maintenance of another little, then not so little, mouth to feed? And are they all going to live with the (grand)parents now and forever? That sounds like real joy for everyone involved.

Of course, you don’t have to be such an elitist, you can and should forgo college if you can’t afford it. Nobody’s making you get a fancy degree. We have the gig economy now after all. Make your own hours! Be your own boss! Work on your schedule! They make it sound so liberating. Except none of that comes with health care and both pregnancy and baby are going to be expensive, let me tell you. Also, with gig work, you eat what you kill. In other words, there will be no paid sick days and certainly no paid maternity leave, so as your body recovers from one of the most intense and physically damaging events of your life, you can also worry about just how long your savings will keep you afloat while you heal. Assuming you have any, of course. Otherwise, buck up, don’t forget your donut pillow, and get behind that wheel because those deliveries aren’t going to make themselves, you know.

But wait, you also have to think about where you’ll be leaving that precious little nugget you just popped out while you go be your own boss. I hope that gig of yours makes you an extra $12K this year because that’s what you’ll need on average to pay for daycare for one kid in the U.S.  In Las Vegas, monthly childcare costs average just about the same as a month’s rent. So, if you happen to have an extra rent payment just lying around each month, congratulations, you can afford daycare for your ray of sunshine. But if you can’t, then definitely don’t take a job that requires that you leave them alone while you try to keep a roof over their head and food in their belly. Someone’s always too happy to get you locked up for that. And definitely, definitely don’t not take that job because then you’ll probably need public assistance and, well, that’s just “lazy.” In any case, I’m sure you’ll figure it out because omg, babies! And after all, isn’t motherhood just the hardest job you’ll ever love? Or some such nonsense…

The truth is motherhood, parenthood in general, is not a job at all, it is a duty. A job you can quit, but once those kidlets are here, you as a parent are forever tied to whatever their needs are and all the anxiety that meeting those needs entails. Of course parenthood can bring great joy but it is also beyond exhausting and it is relentless. There are no breaks, very little sleep, and negative income. So when and if you do it you have to really, really want to do it. And if we want people, need people, to want to do it then we have to create the conditions that make it easier for them to take that leap. It’s really not that complicated, a pretty obvious Field of Dreams situation if ever there was one: if we build it, they will come. Because no matter that the economy is shaky, that we’re all broke, and that the world is on fire; no matter that children age you exponentially and suck up every last ounce of your remaining energy, them suckers are cute as hell and who isn’t rooting for the babies in the end?

Martha E. Menendez, Esq. is the Bernstein Senior Fellow at the UNLV Immigration Clinic.

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